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Hey Matt -- great story -- very moving. Really sad. I went in and did a few grammar edits for you.

I like the way you use the word "metal" twice in the beginning, as a way to foreshadow and create a cold, ominous feeling. Also very interesting is how you switched from third person to first person at the end. It works well as a device to get the reader inside the narrator of the story.

I hope you'll contribute more! Paperweight 23:03, 7 August 2008 (UTC)